The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.