The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Born to be mild.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”