@erikbransteen: The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I've been cheating on my diet. I'm not even sure how they'd know that
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@Chumpstring: [airport] SON: can i yell bomb? DAD: no. SON: hijack? DAD: nope. SON: how about shitballer? DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don't.
@Book_Krazy: *Buys world map* *Pins map to wall* *Promises to visit wherever dart lands* *Throws dart at fridge*
@ryanqnorth: Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
@moooooog35: A bright side to having kids is that if I'm ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.