The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Happy Star Wars day!
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.