The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.