The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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