@o__0Dev: The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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@dshack8: Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
@AlexRogaski: [God making African animals] Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
@charliedelta7: I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.