The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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Yoga Matt
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.