The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me