Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
as is their right
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.