The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You Might Also Like
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
me: you鈥檙e probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you鈥檙e kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My family said if I don鈥檛 get a Facebook, they鈥檇 all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I鈥檓 the Jesus of social media
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Finally! 馃槇
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don鈥檛 have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that鈥檚 a walrus
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
馃崉 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can鈥檛 answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?