Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Same pineapple, same
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler