them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom