@moooooog35: The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
@DumbConfessions: Her:"Let's make a baby." Him: "Okay! Hold on." *goes to bathroom* [5 minutes later.] Her: "Where'd you go?" Him: "You meant with you??"
@Crunk_Jews: This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
@UNTRESOR: Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.