@moooooog35: The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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@AdamBroud: [slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic] little mermaid: 🎶I'll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@jonnysun: ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption
@stevemarriott: [Preparing for a heist] Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they? Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo