The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners