The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
choose your gary
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.