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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money