Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
two people or more is called a problem
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”