@weinerdog4life: The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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@TragicAllyHere: Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU M: upstairs K: WHERE? M: upstairs K: UPSTAIRS? M: yes K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE? M: what the? yes K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
@TravLeBlanc: When the zombie apocalypse comes, we'll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
@ashmensch: *steps on Lego* *stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos* *throws all Legos away* *Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
@joejwest: [vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing