The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.