@weinerdog4life: The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
@djdarrellripley: Him: How does my football throw look to you? Me: Like you're good at science...
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Heading up to bed *winks* [30 min later] Wife: ...where is he? Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)