@weinerdog4life: The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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@JWilsonGA: Wife: Your PMS jokes aren't funny. Me: I can't help it, they just flow out of my mouth. Wife: ... Me: Fine. No more. Period. Wife: *eyeroll*
@TjSmooth0: *job interview* "Youre 30? Why haven't you accomplished your life goals?" "Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that."
@causticbob: Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it "White People"