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@thenatewolf: *sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers
@tiemespankme: If you fall I will be there - Floor
@sfreeze6: [2015 Bird Awards] AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO...HORNED GUAN (Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
@Parkerlawyer: Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it. Anyone want to trade jobs?
@juliussharpe: Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.
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