The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.