The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Merica.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
What flavor cupcake are these
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.