The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.