The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I need a headline like this
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes