The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.