So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?