The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi