@SCbchbum: The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."
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@ehdannyboy: "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.
@JKickinit30: *touches your nose* *touches your mouth* *touches your forehead* Them: Why are you touching me? Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere
@david8hughes: [board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "No."