The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?