The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I like crazy people until they notice me
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.