The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Any refunds available?…
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Match dot com, but for socks.