The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
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My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere