I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
😜
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS