The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Every damn time
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman