The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
You Might Also Like
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?