You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
accurate
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up