[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
You Might Also Like
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
What the hell is going on?