The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
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Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
He just like my cat fr
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.