If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*