I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.