[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed