The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
You Might Also Like
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain