The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.