The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
i baked you a cake
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Confused owl: What?!
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.