The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
why I oughta
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever