@GinAndJif: When animals lick each other it's bonding, but when I do it at work as part of a team building exercise it's all "inappropriate" & "call HR"

@duumb: journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects? me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

@FaisalAdam_: I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@_davidlucas_: Me: How are you? Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*

@clindsaysway: The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.