The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
You Might Also Like
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–