The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Thrilling chase underway
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
worst…sale…ever
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you