The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.