[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
You Might Also Like
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
PARKOUR
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.