[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I enjoy a good short stor
All set.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
what the