Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings