My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.